My 25th year Epistle

I turn twenty five today! It's quite astounding what structure one's life can fashion into. I see kids get dropped off at these private creches by their parents during my morning rides and think to myself they are going to be so smart and amazing, they are going to excel. Then I remember I went to  a private creche in Randburg, Gauteng, South Africa and today I chase garbage trucks on a courier bike to dump a client's delayed garbage take-out for $0,25c as a courier service, I sell bananas and haybales off a scorch cart.

What has become of that kid? What happened to all the bright dreams, outspokenness and liveliness? None all of this, life's current state, was planned, none! Ideally I am supposed to be pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering somewhere in Wales, living with family as well. That was the plan, where did that life's structure filter to? I wonder!

I am in Zimbabwe today doing things I've never witnessed any of my parents do, and time and again the thought of what my life could've otherwise been flashes through my mind. Things started trifling down when I turned my back at the airport having been denied flight to meet my family in Britain, I was ten years old. A couple years later I applied for a Visa, it was declined! I was 15, we couldn't afford an appeal and that was the beginning of a new reality for me.

I grew up with dreams and promises to live abroad with family. My upbringing, from a private creche to a private middle school and other schools in between, was structured for a civil hood which suited Western standards. Exposure to a suburban standard of living and private school kind of teachings all shaped the essence of me. Anyone who went to a private school even for a few years or grew up in the suburbs is hardwired to speak English, think English and behave English. Unfortunately this mentality is not suitable for the austeric circumstances in Zimbabwe, hence why a chunk of suburban kids today end up stuck as layabouts with a weed dependance and substance abuse whereas they could've rather thrived abroad; because it's very challenging to accept the harsh realities in Zimbabwe let alone thrive. Better is the child raised and schooled in an adverse environment without promises to live and prepare for a life abroad, his English may be slim but his mindset is best suited and skilled for the raw realities home and he's far much likely to thrive and surpass the rather spoilt kid whose plans to live abroad failed, like my self.

After my Visa got declined, I still had hopes something would give, little knowing that things were just closing up even more. I started staying alone and my grades sank, my academic performance just went under water, there I knew there was no student Visa to save the stakes. I was just undermotivated, depressed and without a parent home or anyone actively concerned to push me, I started skipping classes and sleeping a lot, I was not even training rugby much or attending gym I just let myself go and depression had the best of me in fourth form. As much as my father cared about my academic performance, the distance between us wasn't pressuring enough for me, so I failed my O'levels.

However, the discernment in me gave me a solid spectacle of where I was heading as a person and it was definitely at a street corner somewhere rolling weed with youngsters. I didn't want to be like that, I suspected I was actually going to be miserable than the homeboys because at least they've got a nagging mom back home and an unsettled dad who may eventually get them off the streets, also they had their O'level and A'level certificates ready for a career or academic opportunity. I had none of that, no parent or prepared plate to return home to and no papers to back me up one day, so hanging out with the homeboys would've been a detrimental life trap!

I began to contemplate on selling in the streets, this is my recurring story so briefly I wasn't built for the choices I was contrived to make, I made my choices out of fear of being miserable as by the turn of events I had predicted it. Sometimes i do wonder why I didn't venture into real estate or sell automobiles or marketing or software fixture like other people, the truth is I had no influences from any field at all, which is why I gravitated to selling in the streets. It was the closest thing to beginnings.

Selling in the streets worked in my favor, it brainwashed a lot of things and made me a rather woke and active young person as opposed to the reticence I dwelled on prior to indulging in the streets. However, the heavy downside of this is, it's very consuming and enables such a character my older reticent self wouldn't give the time of the day. Look I am a vendor, I feel myself becoming typically vendor-ish if you get what I mean? I used to be so nice and polite as a person but now; I had a squabble on 6th Ave & Lobengula Street once, I couldn't belief the depth of profanity tht came out my mouth, anger makes you feel so miserable and I am sensitized to it now as opposed to when I was different.  Besides that emotional shift, I am so consumed in this raw Zim lifestyle that I couldn't care less   about global affairs, how to apply for work abroad, a way of doing things. In fact, when a friend of mine visited from USA a  couple months back he advised me on certification and paperwork, I knew be was absolutely right but I could feel a sense of aversion and apathy rise up in me to the thought of doing things a certain way, it's like I am consumed in an African environment and thought lines which preferably work instantaneously without considering other aspects of things such as paperwork, accounts, law, schedules, certifications, registration etc which would've otherwise enhanced life and/or business. So in essence, there's a mentality that's laid back or unconcerned about a way of things in the choices I made and it emanates from the environment I indulge myelf in, which is consuming.

As I turn 25 today, I present my gratitude to my ability to write things out, it helps me reflect and grants me clarity. I turn 25 with high hopes of getting consumed into a superior mindset that's not averse to certain life nurturing things or carries no ounce of apathy with regards to certain skill sets and lifestyles; for this is not it at all.

Wishing myself mental growth, courage and wisdom on my 25th year.