Motherly Love

Our eyes get randomly fixated on different things which indirectly reflect our hidden desires without our realization. If your desires lie in a certain car seeing someone drive one will always catch your eye, if your desires lie in establishing a romantic/intimate relationship seeing two people crossing the street holding hands and laughing in each other's faces will catch your eye. People's desires are braided and so lie in various things, and so does our eyes. If I've found the relatively common aspect in desires it is that of a deep sense of lack; desires reflect what the heart yearns for and hopes for the most, and, they are usually attainable, sometimes not directly to us. 

I have grown to question the places wherewhich my eyes wander to figure out reasons which pertain to that fixation. Amongst all of my eyes' wandering places A Mother's Love proved to be interesting enough to immerse you in by writing.

Interestingly, I am prone to observe women walk with their toddlers and/or babies, not all of them but enough to notice my tendency. It appears as such a cheap thing yet so many developments grant the existence of such a beautiful image no matter the place, just a mother and a child walking down a block. She turns around to her mindless toddler, slaps her palms against her thighs and shouts "akuphangise" which translates to "catch up" and the poor toddler trods in a "Mrs I'm trying here, jeeze" pace. Two absolutely delicate creatures merely existing, it intrigues me all the time. My mind wanders and wonders why I couldn't be afforded something seemingly so cheap, at least long enough. I have two vivid memories of walking with my mother as a kid, everything else spirals into some blackhole of nothingness. The picture above has been on my wallpaper for about three years, the photographer captured what he himself didn't realize he captured at the time, and, sometimes I myself in the midst of blinging apps I will have a long look at my wallpaper to admire what has been captured more than what was the focus.

I take it to be quite strange to have a perspective of such an intangible thing, to see it differently. It is very unlikely for a friend to tap you on the shoulder to say check out that mom and her toddler walking down the pavement, but that's exactly the shoulder tap I get in my conscious, well a conscious-tap. It's like subatomic particles which are only visible to an observer. There's a silver mechanism which Tony Robins always alludes to in his seminars, if you fix your mind to something you will begin to notice it regularly. Perhaps say you want a car and you set your mind to it, you will begin to see it in various places, by the brain's silver mechanism. I have diagnosed myself of that syndrome because of the way a mother's love keeps recurring in my sight and the perspective to notice it all the time. 

Motherly love is a phenomenon I have never experienced in my life, well partly. I have experienced temporary motherly favors here and there, at the church, in a flat, in a community. Back in middle school I remember my 5th grade class teacher Mrs Majoni announcing that it was break time and everyone would be eating in class that morning, the class turned into an echo of bangs as everyone impatiently stamped their lunch boxes and juice bottles onto their single desks except for myself who continued reading a book. After a bit she scanned the class and noticed I only had my book lying slanted against the edge of my desk and the top was clear. She got up and approached from her front desk and asked something along the lines "where's your food son?" to which I guess I said I didn't carry anything to eat. She didn't dramaticize the situation by calling me outside and asking any further questions, she simply asked anyone to share their food with me and the entire class came to my desk offering anything until she said enough. Apart from everyone else I vividly remember a girl by Chiedza who sat right in front of me and was the first to turn around to hand something and a guy by Leeroy who always carried the best mom-made toasts and handed me a slice. I got emotional but I ate the most that morning, I could place a bet on that I was probably the most active kid during extra-curricular activities that afternoon. With just that simplistic encounter, I still remember Mrs Majoni's thoughtfulness to this day, so I have seen and experienced women really care for and favor me. But I have never experienced motherly love in form of a lunchtin prepared with love, a sandwich with her finger tips showing at the far ends of the bread's dog ears, or a wrap folded in tomatoes mince and grated chicken, and a kiss goodbye see you after school. These things are never detailed to whomever is consumed in the motherly experience, actually they aren't even conscious of them as an experience, zero observance, nobody notices mom's finger print on a wrap but it is ways there where she pinches it. Or could I be overly observant? Like I said, subatomic particles in the cosmos are only seen by the observer. Types of grain are only identified by the farmer.

I find it very fascinating how women pour out all of themselves into the nurturing of a newborn all the way into adoloscence upto their adulthood tirelessly. We're all human and have our own needs and interests, I find it fascinating nonetheless that an independent human being can be so invested in your betterment more than anyone. They can stand-up on your behalf to intercede in prayer at church, they can fast for a week such that the doors of heaven can open and pour out blessings on you. Mothers who don't sleep but pray until the sun rises, for you. It amazes me that an independent human being, can be about you with the best interests; such that even when the world turns against you they still remain strong and faithful as a mother. I find it verily special the existence and presence of mothers in the way it shapes our world views and how we approach and circle love, in the way we think and our hygienic standards. Learning to wear your socks before your shoes is a mother's teaching on hygiene, learning to lay your bedsheets at all times is a mother's teaching on hygiene, learning to be stain conscious is a mother's teaching on hygiene. It amazes me the extent of fibering a mother's influence imposes on the ways of a child and conducts of an adult. 

Each time my eye is caught by a mother and child scenario or just that of a woman I admire, I inevitably yearn for an unconditional motherly love, the one which sees the child in you and addresses you in detail from the bottom up, the one you can give a call to whenever you're going through stuff without wondering if they're the right person or right time,  to hear your mother's genuine empathy in her intonation I think does something to you or qualifies your misery, there's a saying "you never know what you're going through until you tell somebody". It is hilarious to think that I am just raw dogging this life without someone to tell heartily, or a "son, how are you doing?" phone call, or a "I love you okay?" or the "be careful out there, stop fighting with people". I don't know that stuff and it's consistencies or intervals, I just witness it from a distance as friends bask in its abundance so much that they don't cherish it. I think generally when you're immersed in something you cease to imagine yourself without it, so you take it for granted.

My boy talks to his mom like a friend, he tells her about the girls he likes, when he's late home she gives him a nagging phone call. Sometimes he dislikes him mom sometimes he likes her, and that is just how exactly love is meant to be braided, with the accompaniment of hate to cement it. I don't think people who don't have an element of contempt for one another hold a safe relationship hey, it's just bricks above bricks without cementation as reinforcement, the day a storm of a feud hails every brick goes down, but with fights here and there forgiveness gains a muscle and the understanding of one's faults grows to outweigh and soars above the wrangles. My boy got into very desperate situations and made very critical decisions out of his mom's guidance and discernment. Man I think life is better when you have a discerning mother whom you don't always need to tell things to but she sees or predicts them before you do and raises her concerns and engages you unexpectedly, a mother's instinct. That thing is vital and people who have mothers or experienced them to a mature age have it easier in this life. To have an outlet whenever you're going through stuff or an automatic consultant whenever you're conflicted about life I think is a beautiful thing taken for granted. When my grades sank in High-School and I didn't have a career path and it's alternatives, I couldn't talk to anyone; actually I didn't know I had  to consult with someone about it, heck nobody was actively involved in my academic performance or attended my book consultations at school. I simply wanted to be like my father and engineering was the sole career I knew. So it was pass or fail, yet when I look at other kids who ventured into some alternative courses through parental guidance, they didn't have to end up selling bananas in the streets out of a lack of career options or a lack of a general direction. When I look at my closest boys, their mothers played a pressuring role in the alternative courses they pursued. I knocked off from school knowing my red marks on the book and returned home to myself and a depression. God knows the role a mother's stewardship would have played in my life.

When I think about myself as a parent I think mostly about the mother of my children more than I think about myself as a father. My father raised me over the phone and I came up pretty level headed, so it is my opinion and mine alone that fathers can only do so little in the nurturing of a child, as long needs are provided and a few lectures here and there and a belt once in a while, the rest lies in their mere character as parents. Most of parenting I think befalls women, hence why I think about the mother of my children the most. Shame to the girl I will vet, I have such high expectations which emanate from a point of lack. I want my children to be mothered well and very well and it is for that reason I am very slow with girls, I take such time and I am avoidant of many things! I look for a lot of things beyond my own desires of a woman. 

In my tendency to observe women in different scenarios, I just yearn for them as my own mothers in the way they talk carry themselves embrace people and just the basic behaviors common to all humans. I don't know if anyone ever encounters such a thing, maybe those with moms wouldn't being that they're already immersed in the experience. I don't remember looking at a man and wishing they were my own father, no matter how rich and how many Presidents they've rubbed shoulders with, I've never wished for a better father because I am already immersed in the experience. But I've observed many middle aged women and wished they were my own mother, and I always translate that observation to the actual woman I am looking for for my own children, in other words I set standards of my own wife by the women I find endearing to me, which of course sets my standards into ambiguity.

Our tenant's mom visits him every holiday. They always chat and chuckle in the sitting room and sometimes in the echoing kitchen, and bid each other good night every night and good morning every morning. During his separation period from his wife before they divorced, his mother was here full-time consoling him and fostering his children. So you can already assert how wide my perspective for finding a suitor is and how many boxes there are to tick off, just by such observations and my interpretations of them as an individual who lacked. Perspectives are different from a place of lack. It's like a hundred thousand Rand, someone who has it in abundance has a different perspective and usage pulse as opposed to someone without who thinks their world would be magical with a hundred thousand Rand. So, in like manner, my perspective of a mother comes from a place of lack. I think I would be doing so much better in life if I had an active good mother who's always and tirelessly concerned about me. As I said earlier, desires are attainable but not always directly to us, hence, I want that for my children.

I am not interested in just a city girl who couldn't handle her own son's divorce because she entertained her soft life expectations without any capacity for adversity. I am not saying our son will face a divorce, I am saying in the event that he does, are you empathetic and kind enough to deliver your solace and guidance without him having to ask, likewise for the girl child, as a father if my princess goes through a divorce I am fetching her myself and returning her home barefooted. Sometimes when life hits you or positions you in the wrong places you just need someone to understand and support you regardless, and that is the place of a mother, unconditional love. No matter how wrong you are, you need a mother to soften the tragedy whilst it passes away, actually motherly love catalyses the speed by which hard times pass away. The world can turn against you but a mother. Not to lie to you about your misdeeds being right but to comfort and gracefully correct you in your faults and imperfections. Mothers are real Gs! A real G recognizes that his partner made a blunder, but they don't betray him or judge him you see, they compromise. That's a mother. Friends can turn their backs on a fella but a mother.

Most of my life, well the little portion of my life, as I haven't really lived, I've never had an outlet I would pour out to. If I stub my toe against a table I keep it inside, if I get mugged but I solve the situation there and there I keep it inside, if I broke my shin against the stairs I would first wait to see if it can heal in three days before I can tell anyone. I never grew up with a quick access to unravel my life's turbulences, I often bottle stuff up. I got involved in two car accidents in two years, the people what know about them simply know it because they were too close to hide it from them, but because it were accidents which didn't put me in critical conditions they wouldn't have known otherwise. But if I had a mother I would have definitely sent my mama's boy vibes straight out to her, just for emotional comfort. Inversely my life has been that of toughening things up by grit, although it has made me emotionally stronger it has also conversely made me inexpressible. 

I have received temporary motherly favors here and there but because they were experiences that died along the way I couldn't assert them as motherly love. There are women I have cherished in the moment of motherly favors but I've since eventually drifted away from as I don't always feel rightful, and they never pursued me further either, like a biological mother would tirelessly. Not that they should have, they have already extended guaranteed and invested their hearts in their own children, they aren't indebted to alter-extensive paths for disconnected orphans like myself who drift away even in the face of genuine care, you can't love the whole world.

I don't want my own kids to experience the half-baked loaf of love and live their entire lives malnutritioned or what's worse? Loathing the loaf.