Navigating Dating with Women

"I struggle with dating." is a common thing people say nowadays, especially the fellas. It is actually relatively too close to "loser/bhari" especially on men today, but is it really? It has taken me much confidence to assert that it is not associated with failure but it is a matter of positioning and opportunity. Growing up as a kid talking to a girl let alone girls was a status thing amongst boys, especially if you got them to giggle. The older I got the more I realized nah, we've been lied to. Calling the guy who was scared of/didn't get girls a loser was just baseless scorn, a deterrent. Losers are humbly and subtly marrying and leading beautiful family lives with modest down to earth women whilst the big and trophy boys turn to baby daddies, increase the single motherhood rate, claim their lives to STis or turn 36 and still messing with women in the club. But the "loser" who accounts for little to no history with women gets one girl and life progresses with dignity. In my time I have learned that there's no such thing as "I struggle with dating" it's just not your time and the stars just haven't aligned in your favor. However, you're operating under malnourished thoughtlines which put you under pressure to not be the loser, and for that reason you keep taking self proclaimed Ls. You see people are an insatiable indulgence, you won't get enough of the pretty girls or the trophy boyfriends, you only distort and disturb your vision/perspective the more. No matter how many people you juggle if your stars haven't aligned you won't find the one, but then again your stars may align and you may miss the train trying to weigh out your vast options. 

Just relax.  

— Note To You, and myself. 

Back to basics. I struggle with dating iYoh! On this article I breakdown and reflect on what I'm sure is a short but lengthly defended portfolio of my relationship trends with women, and try to unknot possible causes for my haywired love life. As a writer I absolutely have no bones to make about what would've otherwise been a sensitive account for some to give, some people are as uncomfortable to talk about their relationship life as they are about their finances and weight, but I have been very transparent to friends and have chosen to express the same conversation at length in writing. By use of date credits cited from pictures and Whatsapp conversations I am able to structure a chronological timeline of these trends. Giving a bird's eye view of an average guy's relationship life. — Although conflicted, and still finding my feet, well in this context my heart, I am mostly at peace with this aspect of my life.

My love life, as far as I can recall, set off with a childhood sweetheart by whom I suffered my first heart break in 2010, I was thirteen years of age and I remember some events quite vividly. It was a four year friendship, we were kids being kids figuring out our emotions feelings and interests, as naive as that was it was as good as a relationship in my head space at the time. Strangely as kids we were able to assimilate an affair without understanding it at length, and our feelings recorded and categorized that under love. They say you fall in love three times during your life, the first love when you're quite young and grow apart over things trivial, when you look back you may doubt if it was even love but it was your first understanding of love and what being passionate about someone is like.

There's nothing I looked forward to more than waking up to play with this girl, despite having a lot of friends on the block. As early as 7AM, on holidays, I'd cross over to her house and budge in like an expected relative from a night shift, she stayed just opposite our house and I was that kid that didn't have to knock. On waiting on her sister to wake her, I'd dash to the lounge and play games on their desktop, she'd taught me how to play Mario Kart and I'd learned how to operate a computer from school. Lol, it's funny when I think of it now how committed we were to just playing as kids you know, we played religiously. After she'd bathed and eaten, we'd either watch something on Dstv or we'd crossover to my house to play video games on a console I had, afterwhich we'd then go cycling around the block or whatever outdoor activities like hide & seek. I was quite a socialite as a kid (God knows what then happened), so my place was a reputable hub for playing, by 12PM every kid on the block and from up the stream would be on site kicking ball or something, also she had three cousins who visited on holidays, so there were chicks on the block and all the boys would hangout by my gate. We used to play cricket, soccer, cycling and video games with the boys, sometimes we'd go swimming up tops, our childhood was elite to be quite honest. We parted in the evening and regardless of having spent the entire round of the day together I'd still ring her landline to say Hi and talk about the day or whatever, back then landlines were a thing, my father used to gripe about soaring Telone bills. I lived with three maids and a cousin, I was a cock in a hen's house; you already know that in every community, where there are babes there is heavy foot traffic. My caregivers weren't bushmen, my cousin was a hot chick too, so my place was a drive-thru. So, believe me when I say I had this whole romantic gentleman thing figured out, I was under involuntary training you see. I wrote her a love letter off of Westlife lyrics once by the help of girls at home and sent it to her with red roses we used to have by our gate, I loved the girl boy! My interactions with her pottered my idea of a relationship for life, the hugs, holding hands, quality time, escorting her to hairdos down the block (on her parents' bill of course, jeeze), phone calls, checking in, assurance and pampering (Kim was a cry baby man), all that, I learned it at a tender age if nine, she was my blueprint and I was her trendsetter.

Unfortunately, due to austeric economic circumstances of 2008 in Zimbabwe I was to join my father in the UK but I was denied flight at the OR Tambo airport, a whole other story, to which then I settled in South Africa where I'd phone her once in a while to say Hi. However, presumably, that lack of consistent communication and the distance between us built some hostilities between us, and so when I returned for holidays things just weren't the same, we didn't hug the same or hold hands the same, the spark-plug had caught rust. Hoping for a revival, I still phoned her from South Africa with limited minutes, she had a nasty and hostile attitude in her tone over the phone, that girl always had mood swings but in a regulated and containable way you know, but this time her attitude stank, to which then I discovered in 2010 that she'd been seeing some other chap from a cheesy school. Those days Facebook had just gone mainstream and most kids in my grade seven class had the app before mxit, so this girl and I would communicate on there. I remember begging her to wait till I returned, it's funny to think of it now that the relationship didn't advance with age, she moved on and my heart sank. Their family later resettled in the capital and the distance between us broadened. Regardless, I only reaped ruthlessness from how she unapologetically moved on prior to their resettlement, I didn't understand why the sense of allegiance I had towards her didn't go both ways.

In South Africa I lived with a family friend who had two daughters, they can narrate the story better on how I used to sleep to Mariah Carey's breakup songs on loud speaker, like Through The Rain Open Arms Against All Odds and and 😭, man! It was over and I was just a mess, but Mariah carried, well Careyyd me through. All the letters, the visitations, the phone calls, the joyful times, the emotional support, came to nothingness! Being a kid, I'd envisioned a bright future with the girl but life had character development plans and wake-up calls for me, and it couldn't happen any other way but through young love. Now that I think of it, I gravitated to Mariah Carey because back in 5th grade we had an Arts & Music lesson and our teacher always choreographed us by Mariah Carey's "Without You", plus I grew up with girls you see. I was just a lover boy.

I struggled to date in High-School regardless of being a people's person and a joker and a teacher slanderer, the closest I got was being a friend and having a crush. I only ever dated after High-School in 2016 when I'd returned to Zimbabwe, this time it was an even bigger character development trial. 

I met this girl casually on the street one afternoon walking with the boys in the hood, she was a descent looking girl with a bright smile, she was fair to my eyes and thick it drove me crazy. I'd sometimes be laid in bed and just dramatically bang my hands on the bed to the thought of her. I got her number in January of 2016 and we only talked on and off without linking for three quarters of that year before we dated, she just wasn't giving in to my advances and call outs to grab strolls around the hood, and I wasn't pressing, I have never been the dude to put pressure. And, alternatively, for half of that year I was also interested in another girl I was doing supplementary lessons with at a college. That girl loved cats and called them pussies and had one as a pet; I only made an advance on her once but she was in a committed relationship so it was chaai. I held her hand and led her into an empty class, we sat down and I told her a few things and that she was beautiful, and asked her to be my girlfriend there and there, macking. She said she would get back to me, we kept chats going down on Whatsapp and she'd tell me about a teacher who made sexual advances on her. Girls go through a hundred things at such a tender age man, drastic! I'd walk her to her flat downtown after lessons, but at some point I ran impatient and boarded into the city at sunset so we could talk it out, unfortunately I got to her flat after dark and she wouldn't come out. She then disclosed she was in a relationship and I took my L and drew back.

Time progressed whilst having intermittent chats with the girl from the hood, until one September night she asked me out on a walk because they'd had a power outage at home and she was bored. I was a stay alone dude and she came from a child headed home, so this wasn't an issue. It was around 9PM and I fearlessly cut through the bush to go meet her and found her waiting by the gate. We strolled on the main roads and talked and laughed under stars and streetlights with little care the snares of the night. September is spring so its clement weather with saturated pollen in the air it smelt rosey. If you've noticed at all, September is quite a scented month. We returned by my house towards midnight, talked some more, snogged, shagged, ate, slept and she left the next morning, we got official, they lived in a double storey so she could be out without her brother knowing. About a week through conversations she disclosed that she'd recently been friends with benefits with some guy in the hood, I was eighteen and wasn't aware that that was a thing but I understood it for what it meant and didn't make a big deal of it, I saw the girl for who she was but quite frankly if I'd known better I wouldn't have taken her seriously and that's my struggle with relationships today, I know better and I struggle to see women for who they are, there's always a skeleton somewhere. It's just very unfortunate that my first relationship launched me into things impure, I had genuinely thought she was fresh on the scene but hey, she had a mileage I was yet to learn about! My ex and I were cherished and respected as a couple on my block and around friends, there's a level of respect people generally have for couples, I can't quite put a finger on it but I could sense it. I remember hanging with the boys down the block when a random fella I didn't even know flew by saying "Chibhebhi chako chakakumirira paghedi rako". Personally it'd take me some respect to tell a guy who doesn't rate me that his girl was waiting on him. That was the most official relationship I'd ever been in actually! She told me once that a lady asked about us and advised her to keep it strong it was beautiful, her brother also had no issue about us although he'd sometimes gripe about her not being home on some "Akubuye endlini" if he noticed she wasn't in, and I'd escort her back around 11PM. Sadly our relationship was short-lived, she started seeing someone. For some reason I don't classify this under cheating because she was honest enough to notify me two months into our relationship, we were going through a silent stage at the time and she got bored and communicated. Speculations said she had rebounded with her FWB some said she got bored because she was already entertaining somebody else, but to save the argument I only went with what was sober and clear as day, and it was that she had moved on. I remember sitting on the toilet when I got the "it's not working for me, I'm seeing someone." text message and immediately got constipated. I can't express how disposed betrayed and worthless I felt, it was an unsettling kak feeling that felt like a cold current in the spine and rose with a heat wave to the scalp! I wasn't religiously talking to or seeing anyone myself and lived with the development a day at a time brooding. I have never been a beg or the the "baby let's work things out" guy, I simply let the bird fly.

About a fortnight later just when I was going out for a dinner held at my friend's place, she was by my doorstep wanting to talk. She explained and apologized, I still loved the girl boet, we made out and I had alternative dinner in bed. A lot of relationship issues, even the bad ones, are more likely to be negotiated in person that over the phone, tone eye contact and gestures come to play and appease someone at their weak point. Even so, things only went for the worst, I discovered from my boys that she was a groove head over an after nights chat. It was in late November, a festive season, and groove worms were slowly coming out of the earth, I don't recommend kicking off a relationship in a quiet season. So they met her in the club with some guys and friends and discussed the story to me the next day during hangovers by my gate. The girl loved dancing and music, I knew this about her because we often danced and watched sitcoms and movies, but I didn't suspect that she was in the streets; this girl had surprises and to my defense I was just naive and fresh on the dating scene. So I was incredulous to what they were saying and assumed the were punking me, not MY girl bruv, we'd bid each other good night the previous night. However when the boys gave an account of how lit she was the previous night, only then did I realize they were serious. Then, in a sudden, this blistering feeling of betrayal and disappointment surfaced on me, I was infuriated and I stuttered on realizing how stupid I looked for protecting her. Those days "gwimbi" was the term for a hoe, I almost smacked my boy for calling her that, the boys don't have brakes man the guy was falling off a mountain saying shit. I was already uptight about hearing she'd been in the club let alone hearing my boy blatantly talk her down. My mood dropped and the chit-chatting was cut short, I loved the girl to bits man and thought highly of her, so hearing she was up wilding inebriated and whining on boys was a picture my brain kept discarding and only disturbed my hairs up on realizing it's reality. It felt like the innocence in her eyes was just a fib, what else don't I know about this hunny? Discovering that your miss is not just a club racoon but a hoe is a humbling and degrading experience, the hoe part I'm yet to tell. I confronted her about "last night" and we had a misunderstanding and stopped talking for a week. What unsettled me even more was that she neglected the part where she'd lied, and defended her behavior and thought it was immature of me to be upset about what she considered a normalcy. It was not my dream to make a girlfriend out of a groove head, and if it was such a normalcy she should've disclosed that part of herself like she did the FWB one, but in her defense she thought it was a clichè because her brother threw raves by the house now and then, to her it was a bare lifestyle that didn't need to be explained. All of this was new and corrupt to me and caused me much agitation, for that reason I dismissed her and we stopped talking. I was a baptised church fella man, I didn't subscribe for this world you see. I genuinely looked forward to inviting her to church, I was too ambitious!

 She came with her friend one evening to talk things out, she broke down the events of that night and assured that nothing beyond dancing had happened and that she was out with her friends and their boyfriends, and apologized for the miscommunication. I loved the girl and believed her, and although I was against the practice, for a way forward we then agreed on transparency and that she'd communicate whenever she was going out instead of sneaking, because come on hearing it from the boys without having knowledge of your girl's whereabouts is just disgraceful. I compromised and lowered my standards for her and let her be, instead of the other way round. Little did I know what I was signing up for, oh but to be naive‽ It's interesting how being a mature and understanding boyfriend only yields greater damage. That girl showed me that life is not a church. 

Everything fairly sailed in her favor from henceforth, I was the unproblematic homebody boyfriend with an outing girlfriend. The drunk texts panned out fine, she'd call me in the AMs to pick her up from the bus stop, which I initially appreciated and felt I was in my best protective boyfriend element escorting my girl at night. Sometimes she'd be too drunk to coordinate which bus stop she'd be dropping off at and I'd walk a kilometer in the opposite direction under moonlight and return to find her dead asleep stinking in alcohol. I remember scoffing at the sight of her and asking myself what I'd put myself into. Love is such a weakness, in Zulu they say "Iso lixhotshwa libhekile" which means sometimes we watch dangers coming and happening without dodging or taking preventative measures. I never complained but she figured this thing was a bother so she got her guy friends to drop her off by my gate. Heck it felt crooked and skewed, it just didn't feel right in my bone, but for maturity's sake I only moved with the flow. My boys were proactive groovists and cold blooded razors so linking her with them for transport and safety wasn't a wise idea under my scalp, I would that in the worst case scenario she cheats with her groove kings than my own friends because now I don't have friends because of a girl, what would eat me even more is that I put her in that circle so neither her or my boys would be to blame but I. It's two things you can't lend to a man, your car and your wife. 

The thing is my ex had stories, and vibes! She was very chatty and really a world for me being a loner living without family and stuff. I had friends but she brought more life, she interrupted every void with her demeanor her gestures her laughs and her dances, we even had a signature dance; she also really understood me, not to mention that she was my first girlfriend. We spent hella quality time together especially on weekends, and I filmed us a lot I learned that from my Pops, he had a cassette tape of him and his babe kissing under England snow and pictures of them being corny in the park back in 2000s. So I wanted to hold on to having that so bad but my ego couldn't fathom her lifestyle any longer. We started having serious fights about her drinking and clubbing lifestyle because she wouldn't change, she wanted to enjoy her youth plus it was a festive season and raves were a thing. There are some fights that just change the trajectory of a relationship beyond recovery and the night she was dropped off from the club and couldn't knack because it was painful was just my last straw, we had quite a nasty window shaking altercation about that because she'd denied me sex for two weeks prior to that night, which in her defense she'd been retorquing. Retorquing is just a mechanical term for when girls practice kegels by use of recipés, hence it was painful; that was new to me I didn't understand or take all of that crap and was hellbent on believing exactly what it looked like. Furthermore she'd been offline and unreachable for days I didn't know her whereabouts and she just pulled up at 2AM with some boys, the mere idea of guys dropping her off by my place felt so garbage regardless of having been accustomed to it. I'd had enough of the understanding and maturity, and drunkenness. She sobbed and flooded my pillow all night, we fought again the next morning, I called her names and narrated my disgust for her drunkenness, and I still flinch to the thought of how I made her feel and how visibly shattered she was. We broke up and really drifted apart. Probably the messiest I'd ever been with a girl, I was the one always taking the flak and addressing things, why can't a girl just be peaceful and drama free?

I had never set foot in the club or downed a beer or hot stuff, but events of our relationship messed me up so drastically I started going out and drinking and smoking, although I wasn't overindulgent. As they say "Who you become depends, in part, on whom you love." Having a fine and thick groovist girlfriend that drinks alcohol and knows all beverages and people whilst you're a clueless church bishop is the pits hey? And that ate me up for quite a while it wasn't long before I started hosting teams of girls by my house in December of that year, which I immersely enjoyed. Prior to this craze I was a responsible chap who kept things in control, my boys could never smoke or bring alcohol by my place I was strict. But for this part I let myself loose. My homeboy can narrate better how difficult it was to access me without being asked who and what you wanted to see Ricky for by some girlies at the door, he'd get in and find me sandwiched between girls watching a movie. I slept and ate good, I was well kept and basking in good company. I dived into a beautiful fling with a pretty ting it was such a punctual development; that hun fused in like an anesthetic and healed the sores I was nursing quite faster and I didn't feel the egg on my face, it was an actual Marvin's Room situation. She rocked my days like she was heaven sent, I think generally a no strings attached tangle is always a vibe because although unvocalized we both have the consciousness that we're just messing and girls are usually in their best form in that window. She was cool people and we didn't need to shag to enjoy each other's company, she had a comic personality and amused me all the time, not to mention her pretty face that totally sterilized the sight of my ex. Our fling lasted only for so long, we danced we sang we kissed and she cooked well and possessed quite the fascinating and intriguing traits, like being territorial in the kitchen being a casual chin grabber being stain conscious and sensitive (i.e. unless my hands were clean she didn't want to be touched when wearing a white dress) and just being a darling with pretty toes. She was quite chatty and said a whole lot of sweet nothings, we had open dialogues and she had crazy vices, I learned there that girls can carelessly reach diabolical extents brue! We'd doss in the bath-tub till the water got cold. She could make something out of nothing, we pretty much did corny relationship things, it was just a sweet escape. However, she was a fast girl who loved club culture and night life much more religiously than my ex, my ex had already accustomed me to the normalcy of that world so I had no issues whatsoever with the girls doing their thing and the blessers who'd pick them up, hence I loosened up and let the flow of things take control. I was in a beautiful mess my friend. She had a pretty loaded blesser and bought us food, I'd met her in a pub anyway so this was expected. She and her friends traveled for the Vic Falls Carnival and returned after Christmas, by the time they returned I had sobered up from the haze and had my house in order. Truthfully, I started catching feelings for the girl and I was evolving into a boyfriend and addressing some things breaching whatever no strings contract we had going on, which wasn't conducive for the fling we had and the open dialogues. We initially drove our engagement off-road you see, once you recklessly voice your vices to each other and project the freaky sides you are voluntarily waging towards the wall and you will crash! That was our situation and we reached a crashing point and had a misunderstanding to which then I asked them to collect their clothes and leave. Guys always reach overdrive and burnout in these situations, it's inevitable, we start being jealous controlling and planting boundaries, which was the case with me. You can't tame fast girls my guy, so I signed out. This stuff lasts only for so long, and lapses. That's why if you really want to bask in groove culture hookups you've gotta have a rotating roster, you can't vibe with one girl repeatedly, uzohlanya.

I lived in this devoted Christian bubble before meeting my ex, I was a stupid child of Jesus but the devil said let's take a young walk son, I want to show you the fruit of knowledge, and, to my knowledge those two encounters were inevitably foistered and ordained for me, I would've been so blind to how the world really works had it not been for those encounters. After my ex the world of vibes plumped on me and my fling girl catapulted me to even higher ground. I seemed to be gravitating to and attracting party brutes and mutating into one. We crashed this big year end All Star party my friend and I, where I met my ex and the hostilities between us proved to be unshakeable so we lost each other in the crowd, to which then I made out with some lassie there and never saw her again. It's like I had a transformative switch up and started drinking and outing often. Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love, and for sure, if you suffer a messy break-up with a Pastor's daughter or a devoted church girl you are likely to rise to being a religious leader, this adage is true on my part with a drunk girlfriend. You can think you're over a person but everything you do has imprints of their influence. I raved so much without realizing I was trying to be the boyfriend I wasn't during the course of our relationship. The gag is my boys couldn't influence/pressure me into that life but love and pain did, and trying to prove a point pushed the envelope even further. I wanted to be the guy that understood and knew alcohol, ciders, cocktails and mixtures. I hated the idea of being a boyfriend that didn't know beverages, I felt stupid. Also, I lived for the idea of her seeing me at groove with some girl as a flex you see. But I was just a church fella breaking barriers, barriers which didn't have a support structure though, all of my friends were wild and vibey, I was a church boy but not the type that was deep in and made offertory readings or led classes or the choir boy and attended programs, I simply made a commitment to attend church but I didn't have a support structure nor was I a part of the community there. I would pull even six months without attending church and nobody would check, not that it matters but just to highlight that I didn't have a religious support structure. Overtime, the following year, I found myself again and defaulted to the conservative church boy I was and restabilized through a healthy outlet, I resorted to cycling and rekindling a childhood hobby. To be quite frank, I enjoyed my flingship to the peak but it was too much sugar to the gall, or to paint the picture better I was dwelling on warmth whilst the house was burning down, I was sinking in a quicksand. 

The following year in April of 2017 my ex came back trying to make things work, I'd just gotten a job at Spar at the time. I said "better the devil you know than the one you don't" I'd missed the broad brue. But she had another devil to show me, there's levels to this stuff you see. Her being a groove head was one thing, which being a fool I believed it was just that, but she had been sent by who knows who to break me out of hard shells. So I discovered she was also generous! She'd been messing with a homeboy shortly before we got back together, I got the news from my boys again. Word on the street was that homeboy screwed Ricky's girl like it was some trophy achievement. A much younger homeboy had the same story, and they were both true, I confronted her and brought her to confession, it was probably the lowest point I'd ever been in my life, especially on the part of telling her to stop entertaining the guys, I realised there and there in her attitude that this was beyond recovery. In her defense, a ridiculous one at that, she screwed the other guy because she wanted to make me jealous and screwed the other one because he looked like me, I used to attend gym and ride bike with the guy and for sure people thought we were brothers, plus he had an accent too, but that was stupid and licentious of her. The worst thing is your friends' words materializing into tangible evidence under your nose, that your girl is a hoe. Have you felt like a loser for being with someone? Lol. Story of my life. You shouldn't have to ask a woman if she really screwed someone let alone two guys living around the corner man, but that's how low I sank. It was just filthy and there was no way in hell we could recuperate the relationship. I had love for her still but now perceived her as a poor girl wallowing unguided, I was actually sorry for her more than I was disgusted, she was just messy, and looking for love in the caves and that was the last kick of a dying horse, we broke up. That relationship really tested me on how far low I can take flak, and I have never wanted to stoop that low. So, everything else after that relationship were flings bites and talking stages which ran into walls, I never saw love again or even got into a relationship after that mess. Plus I got preoccupied with grinding and hustling as of 2019, which stagnated and took another huge toll on and sent my dating life down a cliff. 

I spent the year 2017 single, working and being to myself harnessing a hobby as a cyclist, I was in hospice. Mostly really because I didn't find opportunities and didn't make advances on girls even at the church. It's only much later in the last quarter of that year 2017 that I caught up with a girl my boy used to move. We met in an omnibus boarding back home and exchanged numbers and she offered bums the next day and I never heard from her again. For background, my boy had been trying his luck on the broad the previous year, they used to hangout by my place but they didn't spark for some reason and he bailed and went awol. So she used to come looking for him by mines to no avail and we'd alternatively just hangout over popcorn and movies through the afternoon, I didn't touch her in respect of my boy although she was begging for it because she'd cook and clean and even bought a new dish cloth because mine was tattered by unknown storms, and she plugged me with soup cubes, I only ever started dropping Knorr cubes in my soup after her presentation, but I never touched her, this went on for a month and she just stopped swinging by. Not to mention that she was a cutesy with bombastic thighs and an apple bottom, she played sport at Girl's College and was well in shape my friend. Those days a girl down the street used to come and just hang by mines but abruptly stopped, I discovered through talks with the boys that she hungout at two other guys' places and they hit. To be frank, she was in third form and looked too too young to me, it just didn't feel right to touch her sexually. 

 So exactly a year later bombastic thighs and I casually met on boarding a bus back home and I was carrying snacks and a slice of cake for my personal treat, knowing I stayed alone she assumed it was my birthday and I was celebrating it solo, to save the argument I agreed. So over Whatsapp texts she insisted I mustn't leave the house the next day because she had a present for my birthday. 

              Chats sourced from Google Drive

The next morning I had to escort my aunt who'd recently moved in with me and didn't know the direction to church. Out of decency I stayed in church for a bit and dashed out to board back home for this "birthday present". I landed home and found the dame glistening outside in a really short dress that started from her breasts and ended by her thighs, she wore a sunhat, sandles and carried a hamper bag, she looked so snacky I had a twitch and made a subtle scream behind her. We got inside and I remembered just how mesmerizing her bums were on following her down the corridor. She connected her phone to my aux and sat on my bed while I leaned on my dressing table, we talked for a bit and she somehow looked sexually vulnerable, I can't quite describe it but her stance just said "devour me now" and she kept walking back and forth to skip songs until I grabbed her wrist and pulled her to me. The sexual tension between us was quite dense she leaned her back against me and her bums bumpily landed as if they'd swallow my groin. I winded her dress down her left shoulder a bit and pecked her there, this girl looks back at me and faintly says "what are you doing?". We had piercing eye contact briefly, I turned her around and we magnated instantly! She turned back around, bent over and wiggled her bums and sort of twerked it was an insane sight, such a brag! I pulled her by the bum and almost went loco on feeling just how juicy they were, it was as though they were water balloons that wouldn't pop and that insanely enticed so much aggression! Our arms ran everywhichway fondling as though looking for lice in the skin, I lifted her and slammed her into the bed so destructively, peeling off and unbuttoning every piece of clothing I had on in a rush, and dressed her down to a red lace thong she had on. It looked like a ribbon around a package I remember saying "so this is my present" and we laughed! Stringing that thing down was a bit majestic, like unveiling a wagon, I was salivating! We slithered and groped on the bed fingering her for starters. My first entrance sent such a delicate moan out of her, she was insanely warm, and I piped like it was my last day on earth, I hadn't stroked bums in a while, I turned and tossed her like I was marinating a chicken, this girl had some styles too. When she turned around from cowgirl to the reverse cow girl pos she didn't stand up, the girl made a 180 semi marry go round with the thing in her, I felt each and every one of her loins and she started humping. That was the best sex and every time I remember that scene my endorphins flare. We went to seperate bus stops afterwards and boarded to the city like strangers. I never saw her another day of my life until I got news she had a kid three years later with a homeboy. 

9 days later, on September 17th of 2017, I went on a movie date with my boy's cousin and we went to the park and left after dark. For some background, in December of 2015 my boy and I went for a swim at the Water World, so he invited his cousin, a beautiful girl for whom my heart smiled when I first laid eyes on her, but obviously you can't make advances on your friend's cousin so I only admired her and let everything else slide. She was a people person so we got along very well and got to know each other and left it there. We initially didn't chat like that until May of the following year 2016 when my boy phoned me with her number and we caught up from where we'd left briefly and stopped talking again. We didn't see each other often anyway, and I was going through my first relationship and the fling that year so we were totally distant. My boy then invited me for a family braai they were holding at her home for the Christmas of 2016 and we caught up again briefly without further communication afterwards. Then in July of 2017 my other friend was celebrating his cousin's birthday ekasi and invited me with, this girl stayed in that location so I asked to see her just out of interest sake since I was in her hood, she was surprised that out of nowhere I visited but we linked and went on a walk catching up for a bit and kept the chats going down for a bit on Whatsapp, I'd phone her too and get to chat just on a friendly tip nothing deep. We were really just being friends and kept chats going until I asked her out in September but the friendship between us seemed to have stood against romance, I couldn't initiate a kiss or nothing like that so we left the park and I escorted her to board at the Hyper rank and kept it going on Whatsapp until November of 2017 when chats died down. She was in varsity and tied up with school and exams, we didn't achieve the love heist and time only progressed.

On December 9th of 2017 my boy threw a rave by his and I hooked up with a pretty little thing there, I didn't like the vibe there it was lame so her and I bailed on that gig, caught a taxi and grabbed lunch in the city and moved to the biggest annual All Star party all night with other friends I had, and returned by my place in the AMs and they left the next day. I tried to link with the girl afterwards for movie and cuisine dates but it was chaai, she wasn't giving in to my advances, but I kept trying. The same night at that party I met this girl from my neighborhood and we exchanged numbers and parted into the crowd, we knew each other but never talked until I reached her in January, which is a story I will later infuse. 

Weeks after the All Star party, on December 30th of 2017, a Saturday, I met this fine girl at church, she was dark and lovely and carried herself with class. She had a Kelly Rowland lineament to her, cat eyes and a bright smile, I just gravitated to her and got to know her, she was sharp and articulate but wasn't a regular member there, just visiting. It was my first time going to those extents with a girl from church, I don't even remember what we talked about but it was so good I asked her to return for the afternoon service and she did. She came and sat right next to me, I can't explain how good that feels, for someone to get into their day with you as a focal point and be motivated to return to church because you'd asked. Most people aren't fans of spending the entire day at church, so this felt soul winning. We talked some more through that afternoon till sunset, after church I escorted her to Hyper where she boarded, she had to change from her heels to pumps and I found myself carrying her heels by the strands the whole way, it was cute. I got her number and asked her to return next Saturday, and exchanged hugs. We held it down on Whatsapp, she was fully educated all through her ordinary and advanced levels and tertiary, she sent me her resumé and I was wowed, it was very impressive I must say. She came to church the following week and I could see her from a couple benches and did that "I see you" text in church thing and we caught up that afternoon. Things were really going great, I liked her and our mutual interests, her favorite hymn was To God Be The Glory. Sadly, it wasn't long before we stopped talking that following week. It was on the 12th of January, a Friday before church, she judged me too soon and in a way I didn't like, she basically poked at my ego, and we stopped talking. I wrote her off and never saw her again at church, sadly another soul lost.

I wish I could draw a bar graph to express these trends visually, I think if I got tech guys to form a bar graph feature which shows someone's trends and sell that feature to these dating apps I think it'd be big money! 

On Dec 31st, a day after meeting the girl from church, my boy was rotating clubs as a DJ so we decided to link at the last pub he'd be jockeying at in Suburbs to count down the New Year from there. To which then I hooked up with a chick there, I bought drinks and we got on like a house on flames! It were chats and chuckle we were as sticky as gum, after a couple drinks we bid byes to our friends and left the pub staggering, we caught transport into the city and checked into two clubs back to back taking down shots and bopping get downs. We were so lit having a time of our lives and counted down the New Year on top of our lungs and snogged under fireworks, it was just ecstatic and blurry my voice got husky! Those days 8th Ave was the centre of recreational stuff during the festive season so I paid for that trampoline with an enclosure net and we had the best time of our lives jumping up and down, believe me the trampoline is maximized fun when you're tipsy. We eventually got tired and staggered to the City-Hall benches where she sat on me and we snogged again but she wouldn't let me go beyond fingering, how this story would've been bomb is another thing because I would've banged her dog style on those benches, alcohol erects crazy boners my friend. We caught a cab around 2 bells, she wouldn't come home with me so we exchanged numbers and parted, I got home with lipstick on my cheek. I guess in her judgement I was the right guy to commit to, girls are good judges of character so if they pick that you don't possess traits of a one night stand type guy they won't give up bums like that boet, it's a game of words. Whatsapp chats started getting down a week in and I discovered she was three years older than I, and what's worse? She had told her parents about us and invited me to meet them! Mind you, I was also chatting up the girl from church, still trying my luck with the girl I raved with at the All Star party and had just started talking to the girl I met at the All Star party.

                 Chats sourced from Google Drive

I don't blame her for making this the talk of the day because it really was a vibe, but telling your parents and inviting me?? Bonkers! But I guess the culture gap vexed me, she wasn't like us racially. As if it doesn't get any more dumbfounding? I'd been fired from my job that year, my manager just didn't like me, I was a grim gym-bro at the time so he said I walked like I owned the shop. So throughout our conversations about work I was transparent to her about being unemployed and having lost my job, to my surprise she knew my former manager very well and was his young sister! I kid you not, everything about this girl was full of plot twists for my liking. 

She invited me again for a devotion they were holding at home on a Sunday and I kept giving excuses but she wasn't relenting and my boys wanted me to fall in line and screw her because of how my manager arbitrarily fired me, which would've been a thrilling story but that's where I draw lines. Once I have malicious intentions for messing with a girl or a score to settle, I just dip, I'm still my father's child you know. She'd scheduled her birthday gathering too and invited me, I laid back until texts became shorter & fewer and replies slower and she figured we weren't gonna work. 

What's more? Three years later I discovered a guy I am very acquainted with in the city as hustlers, who's almost a chomie and a very cool guy and has been a good brother to me, was in a committed relationship with this girl and she was pregnant and they were already cohabitating. Him and I aren't very close, just a guys association nothing tight, we just have common ground and understand each other hard in an area, but we're not close enough that it'd concern him very much. And besides, it's not even a serious issue being that she gate-kept (locked the streets) so hard and we didn't go any further than snogging that night and never linked again. However, knowing how history can resurface, I always maintain my distance and don't ask much about his family. Actually our friendship isn't that which requires house visits, I've only ever been to their place once and guess what she said as I was leaving? "Don't be a stranger aye". So, I'd rather maintain being the guy who knows his madam from the past and live with the guilt of not letting him know and keep him wondering why I keep it at arms length, out of respect for him and his union. Despite the nuanced statements like "Don't be a stranger" I respect that she doesn't contact me. Nonetheless, such is life, certain truths we have to protect to the grave and not yield to the guilt trips and temptations that may arise and cause much more havoc because of suspended news which could only gain relevance and traction after a misdemeanor. The best thing is to stay far far away and not entertain even the wonders of why the woman keeps appearing on key points of concern. 

There's a time as men, when ecounters with women just rain down on you without much effort and gravitating to them is just easy going, and then there there are times when it's just dry and crusty. Sometimes we put it on ourselves sometimes life compels us into a lone den. For me, although I didn't reap any fruit or yam in terms of establishing a substantial relationship, 2018 was my rainy year. Thirteen days into 2018 I was still in a state of ignition with a NYE fever, trying my luck with the girl I partied with in early December, had just started chatting up the girl I met at the same party, cringing on the girl I'd opened the NYE with because she'd spoiled the show by being weird, and had just written off the church girl for her offside comments. So my Whatsapp log had traffic. Then, additionally, on January 13th I met a fine girl with whom I have hands down the longest talking stage which has today flatlined to a mature friendship. This is one talking stage which hung me on a rope of hope for a relationship between 2018 and 19 and stretched throughout the years with on and offs to this day. I met this fine girl with glazing lips taking a sunset walk in a pink and floral sundress and smelling nice from a distance. It was on a Saturday evening and I'd just returned from church and luckily bumped into her on the street whilst walking a homeboy halfway. Believe me if you saw her it'd have been a matter of urgency to talk to her, at least that's how I felt. There are nice girls that you look at and just adore and mize, then there are nice girls that you just gravitate to without second thoughts. So I called it a day with homeboy, made a sprint and caught up to and joined her on that walk against her will; and sweet Jesus she was much more good looking close-up as highlighted from a distance, there are girls you admire from a distance and then when you approach her you notice lineaments that give you second thoughts you know. She had a cute and clear-skin face with baby edges smoked lips and charcoal teeth, she had formed horn buns with her braids and I was sure she was a 2000. She wasn't talking much and wanted space and said I was disturbing her peace, boujie if you ask me, but when you see a nice dame my guy there's no budging. So eventually, after stonewalling, she figured this guy wasn't letting off and gave in and we talked nice the whole way, at some point we encountered stray dogs that charged at us and guess what miss "I want my own space" resorted to? Hiding behind mandem's back screaming for her life, but I managed to scare them off and we made it through. We actually enjoyed each other's company she thought I was a fuckboy, I guess I had the look and the talk by her judgement but I assured her I was the good guy, I was just a man. We wrapped it up with a good hug at dusk and exchanged numbers and linked again the next Sunday for a sunset walk, we linked again and again and again watching movies by my place and being naughty in a space of a week until her family visit was over and she had to bounce, to which then we resorted to constantly chatting over the phone and then linked up the second week in town and traversed the Centenary Park. She wanted closure on where we stood and what we were, I digged the girl man she was good looking peaceful and a muse type, but it was just too soon in my headspace to solemnly assert love and establish a relationship, I guess that's where I missed the train. You see this thing of human indulgences and thinking we have options and drifting away from the fear of being a "loser"? If I were a bhari who'd never been with a girl before, I'd have confessed love to this girl there and there and she would've been the best thing to ever happen to me. So, I swallowed my tongue and couldn't really say, to which then she quickly recited that I was a fuckboy and I left her there to talk by herself because that's not a way to address me mami, this time it was different and disrespectful. I am a certified baptised man of God, have some respect. Jokes, but I didn't appreciate her judgement, so I left her by the park and went and boarded back home and never talked to her again. One thing about me? I will walk away from dung. It has never mattered to me how beautiful a girl is, if you say some shit I will drop you like it's hot. I had seen shege from attractive girls such as herself so my nonchalance was well backed, plus a lot was happening so I wasn't bothered. "Options" hm?

Interestingly, this girl was different, she had a serene pure and broadly humane spirit and approached things with grace, very down to earth it was giving woman. So beyond acknowledging and apologizing for putting me off she was additionally just a reacher man, she reached out for no reason at all, just a random "Hi how are you? So you're still angry?" which intrigued me. She was like that unwanted politician who eventually proves themselves worthy and wins hearts and votes you know, I think it's a motherly thing. No matter how angry you are at your mom you will just love her again, she was like that and that's how we started talking again despite having written her off, plus she'd added me on Facebook and was spamming. On Mpoomy and Brendan's YouTube show (Our Love Story), Brendan gives an account of how Mpoomy just always stuck around and he couldn't get rid of her and they got married, I could only attribute my experience of that to this girl. So we linked up again in March at some dance workshop in the city, except we weren't dancing, just hanging, we talked good our conversations spanned. At the end of the day we tried to grab eats at Heafs but my phone battery died before I could complete a mobile banking transaction, I cringed to the walk of shame from the counter to the door but she appeared rather visibly cool, man! She then escorted me to the City-Hall as she was remaining in the city, and I boarded. Out the blue she rang me that evening saying she was on her way, she was going through stuff and needed peace and a shoulder. She landed before I knew it, she'd boarded a cab; I only saw my door opening and a cutey in grey jeans tip-toeing into my bedroom carrying her shoes by the ear, she uttered a poised "Hie" with a semi wave and threw herself into the bed facedown like an annoyed toddler, it was a cute sight, although concerning. The idea of a girl knowing her way into your bedroom from the CBD is crazy to think about you know, I could dwell on that thought alone and it'd make my day. She crushed over, I gave her my pajamas because nobody is sleeping in jeans baby girl, and it was lights out. I eventually got her to talk, she confided her issues, wept and I was utterly so devastated for what had happened to her, but I comforted her through the night and we slept. We spent the next day together, lip played (kissing), had a little laundry experience (washing) and a steamy shower. I only ever saw her insane body for what it was in that shower, anorexic waist colossal jiggly bums and a noticeably broad hip diameter, water flowed over that girl in waves it was just an insane sight! Her body was just an hourglass I remember laughing at the gap between her waist and my shorts, it was crazy to me how her hips and bums filled everything but the waist. She left later that day and I never saw her again in my life for six years. She'd moved to South Africa and we stayed connected over chats and video calls in the course of 2018 and 2019 until we stopped talking for a good year. The reason for the fallout was that it then occurred to me that the odds were against us and I had long been cosplaying a full boyfriend role without the title. I was giving her my time in the day, sharing dreams and being her emotional tampon whilst staging a love affair with the pet-name calling love claiming and sweet treating. All of that engagement entitled me to a position I wasn't granted as a boyfriend during a time when I proposed for a relationship and she wasn't ready, so I put patience and hope at play whilst buying time until I realized she enjoyed the idea benefits and assumptions of a relationship with me whilst being available to other people. Our conversations really flowed, we talked for hours on calls and video calls, our texting game banged so much we'd chat in emojis, memes weren't yet a thing then.

She could confide in me and felt seen and understood, so she wanted me sticking by her and assimilating a relationship with the pet-names and casual flirts, which was all fine initially and I was sold on waiting until she was ready. It was not until she showcased a guy she was hanging out with by posting foot pictures together, things that appeared cozy and corny you know. I realized when I confronted her about the guy and how defensive she was, that she didn't have respect for what we had enough to consider how displaced it'd make me feel about it, actually she wasn't there. I was radicalized though and realized that it actually wasn't my place nor did I have the right to confront or to be bugged since we didn't date, she wasn't obliged either to not be in a compromising position, and rightfully so. With all that, as a consequence of our intimate engagements I had fully assumed a boyfriend position without title deeds and was then disappointed and unsettled by her behavior, for that reason I cut communication and aborted the whole thing on realizing how unnecessarily toxic it was causing me to become, that was in May of 2019. Every man gets jealous you see, but you've gotta be rightfully in that position with verifiable claims you see, of which I didn't, so I walked away. A year later, Feb of 2020, she texted that she really missed me, we talked for a bit catching up in a space of a month but it was just stale, plus I'd just started seeing a girl I was crazy about.

After another full year, in March of 2021, she sent me a message to say that she'd recently become a mom. To be honest, she was fairly the closest thing to a commitment for me, so despite reasons we couldn't establish a relationship, I realized I still had love for her because that news sank in me as though it were my own baby. I felt like a soldier away in a Vietnam War and had just gotten news he was a dad. She sent me a voice note with that thing gibbering in the background and my heart was full to the brim, I was utterly happy for her it felt personal. Another thing was that she was the only girl who'd announced directly to me that she'd had a baby, I felt important in spite of our separation politics. My ex had a baby and I got the news from the boys, my fling had a baby too with a popular artist and I got the news from a song on a local radio station, my bite had a baby and I got news from the boys, my other bite had a baby and I got the news from my sister, not that these women were obliged to inform/update me. So, in this life of mine, this girl breaking that news to me and telling me what she'd named it was sentimental. Unfortunately I am built some way, so regardless of all hearty gestures and catching up it wasn't long before I made a drawback in respect of her current relationship. She still wanted us to talk consistently and disclosed details about her relationship some of which needed emotional support and I signed out. I refused to take damage control and be her emotional pillow after she'd moved on to such extents, the idea of merely discussing her baby daddy just gave me the ick you know, I didn't want that kind of stress and emotional labor it just wasn't my portion and my place. We actually had an argument about why we didn't work-out and she cited distance and that I didn't know what I wanted, I told her in that moment that I wanted us to stop talking for good and that she must never reach out to me again and deleted her number and it all was an evanescence. 

We didn't talk for a good two years, we didn't interact on socials either so she was totally wiped and out of sight, although she remained in my conscious and crossed my mind on a random day. Her Facebook had been hacked the last time we talked and I didn't know her IG, she wasn't a poster anyway and I always admired that about her because she's mad attractive! I think God is using her as an example that not all attractive women are baddies who parade and sexualize themselves, her character whispers modesty but her figure just screams hot! If I was like that I would be a club promoter and on club posters, plus I'd be selling thirst traps on onlyfans. So, two years later, in Sept of 2023, I got a text from a new number with a floral profile picture, she said she missed me, and I knew it was her. I was only preoccupied with grinding and hustling and really being to myself enjoying my hobby and dealing with social media scandals. I wasn't seeing or actively talking to anyone other than an older woman abroad who didn't need any emotional maintenance and constant communication to assure our thing. We started talking off of IG in June of 2021, she'd initially yearned for a relationship and thought I was mature enough to get into one with her and start a family abroad, but I was adamant and hesitant, she was 31 and I was 23 when we started talking. So, over three years of intermittent talking we flatlined to just being acquainted although she has continued to show me unrelenting support and much favor. We would not talk for months and she'd just say Hi and ask if I was okay and needed anything and then initiated a transaction. Friends always said she was my lucky chum but I just didn't see sustenance in what could've been our union, she was a single mom too and being in a commitment with an older woman plus being a step parent and dealing with co-parenting was a dive too deep for a guy who's only ever dated once you know. Which is slow as friends say but I don't want to get into a committed relationship as an opportunist, that's slow man but the s is silent, especially at the rate of how men turn 50 and seperate with their wives for the much younger ones, it would be a momentarily beautiful but unwise choice in the long-term. She's a beautiful light skinned woman, very kind at heart and possesses a graceful personality and really has her things in order and travels a lot, but I predicted that this wasn't going to be any healthy in the long run. I'm only happy that despite not yielding to her advances for a relationship, she's still genuinely interested in the general person, which emphasizes on how good at heart she really is and I will remain indebted to that because she has really come through when I was caught in a rock and a hard place and alleviated hard situations. Not to speak of how much she believes in my success. 

So, this girl, now lady, and I started talking again. She'd visited Zim the previous year and was afraid to text me to see me, I thought to myself "what's the worst that could come out of this?" And we constantly talked from then on, as friends, funny enough our talks fell back to how it was when we started, they weren't stale or hostile we just set off in a flame. The last time we talked, which was in 2021, she'd broken up with her baby daddy, so this time she wasn't in a committed relationship and I thought okay, friends is fair although the friend part wasn't well pronounced and emphasized until she visited Zim again and really friend zoned my ass for real. Friend zoning is not nice, I'd rather die because there's so much we have to offer as men whilst women gain gain and gain. They gain the favors they ask for and we give, they gain financial backing, they gain emotional support, they gain social security, we develop a soft spot for them, but as a man you can't ask the woman for the same favors you see? You can't ask for money, you can't whine infront of her because of a bad day, you can't ask for a small favor even cooking a meal without it being a problem lol, they are the ones always at a point of need you see, and you are just a service provider. However this friend zone with her is rather advanced, we don't talk everyday like we used to, I am not obliged to be her emotional support but do render my empathies and help when she's distressed, I don't mince my words for her, if I am not willing to help with a favor I don't. And that's what six years have come to, knowing one's true colors and having open dialogues without being nice righteous and gentle all the time, total transparency. I don't want to be in a place where I am jealous about her because I care about her very much. You see jealousy doesn't always mean that someone wants you, men are jealous of their sisters or cousins getting hit on by some random guy, if my mother got hit on by some random man I will straighten him to show some respect. We're just jealous of women we care about, and want to be protective always. So with her, I am now not in a position to care very much unless of course it's a morally demanding situation where she is stranded. But generally, we've put each other in a dynamic where there's an element of niggary, except I do treat her like a lady and take her out on a date on me, just as friends. And it took six years of graphical inclines constants and declines for what was initially an intimate strain to wear down to a valuable strand. I value her opinions on some things, she gives me perspective and pokes my ego, poking a man's ego always comes with a fight but she can contain it, we do fight and miss each other a lot. I value her existence she has been the most unrelenting person in my life, it's so dynamic that if I won a lottery I'd share a portion to her, buy her a car and sponsor her business or pay off her child's elementary school fees for seven years at a good school, but as friends, I can also decide not to and it wouldn't put our friendship to a detriment. The thing is she has seen me sell bananas and ice-creams, she has seen where I sleep and what I eat, she has seen my faults and where I fall short, she has counted my scars and yet still unconditionally values me as I am, and yet still spoke life into me and believes in me very much. Hence, for those reasons, I value her. And that sums the longest talking stage in the world, which came to a concrete friendship. This doesn't validate that men and women can be friends and that it's okay for your partner to have a friend of the opposite sex, it's not! If my conscience and morale will distance me from a friend's wife whom I had a one night dance and smooch with, it will not tolerate a man who has seen the nakedness of my partner and still sticks around closely. As much as I would share a portion of my jackpot with this lady, I would absolutely stay far from and be nonexistent to her if she got married, these are two extremes which I personally endorse. It's just not right and I wouldn't appreciate her introducing me to her man, for his and my respect. The demented part about this is that we've never wished each other Happy birthdays, every time we reached layby and not talk would be a period within which our birthdays lie, and they're fourteen days apart. For this reason I wasn't aware she was older than me the whole time until she made me realize it to justify why we couldn't work out and it was because she doesn't date young guys, I had a good chuckle at this ridiculous discovery.

This talking stage overbeared on a couple encounters I had with the girls. So in the same month (Jan 2018) when I first met my longest talking stage girl, I'd also started talking to the girl I'd recently met in December at the All Star party. Actually that month of January 2018 was a lot of juggling, hence my rainy year. So I caught up with party girl on Whatsapp trying to weigh my options and first visited her in late January of 2018, she stayed in my hood. She was pretty and I found her to be sweet too with a jovial and vibrant personality, she had high spirits and got along easily with people. It was a time I was being nonchalant towards my longest talking stage girl because she'd called me a fuckboy at the park. So on the first week of February I asked miss party girl to escort me on a grocery shopping spree in the city, it was a gloomy Sunday afternoon. Things got very dramatic when I got pick-pocketed that noon but luckily she noticed and alerted me. What happened was as we were walking out of the Bulawayo Centre with two grocery bags in my hands and one in hers, a youngster came from behind and bumped me. The kid tried to make a fuss out of it asking questions like "bhudas kuyaliwa yini?", you can't confront a former gym bro and rugby player like that you'd be signing up for an ego contest and a knuckles handout, but I was a gentleman and kept it cool for the girl and said "ungafi mfanam" and kept walking. In a sudden another guy came from the back asking the kid if there was a problem and the kid said "ubhudas ngathi uyalwa la" and so he started to confront me. At that point my temper was bubbling under my scalp, I'd had it and so in a charged voice I told them to leave us or it could quickly get messy, so the guy holds me by the collar and tells the girl to teach me how to talk nicely, I dropped my bags budged him with a heaving "voetsek!" and they quickly left. On picking the grocery bags, this girl asks if I had my phone, at that point I was so mad I wanted us to leave but she politely insisted that I check if I still had my phone. I checked my pockets and didn't have it! I quickly turned around and saw them exchanging my phone from a few metres away, I dropped the bags and before they could see me coming I met one of them with a nice switch on the cheek he dropped to the ground and I revved him whilst the other one ran off, people intervened for the poor guy before I'd fried his face with hot jabs and suggested I take him to the police instead. I didnt have time for such, I simply retrieved my phone and we headed to board back home. After that event, this girl came to my place often and we'd hangout and chat/watch a movie, for some reason I didn't make sexual advances on her; due to past experiences I was wired and conditioned to initiate the move but it initially felt inappropriate with her, she looked too young honestly, although she was 18 and a headgirl at her school and was a model for a Miss what what beauty pageantry agency, she was petite man and I didn't have a sexual attraction towards her. We continued to hang still and she once baked with my aunt, my aunt actually liked her, she was conversant and carefree and had jokes elderly people could get, my aunt often asked about her and she'd ask about my aunt too and kept promising to come bake with her. I invited her to my church once and she asked what I'd be wearing and color coded, my aunt was really impressed with this girl but didn't make any comment, this girl was the first I'd ever successfully invited to church and introduced to my aunt let alone a relative. In April of 2018 we went on a cycling expedition which I'd convinced her to join me on and sold to her as an adventure and incentivised her with a milkshake date at a KFC outlet 10km away (bear with me KFC is a luxury in Zimbabwe) and we went hiking and canoeing with a jukebox at a dam. I have to say I wouldn't try that again, I do have a female cycling buddy and we've gone on so many rides to far places but the catch is she is a gymnast and she's sporty. But to attempt cycling with the average girl? Not again. She griped and whined a lot and we made many stops so she could breath, she was just a girl, and, at some point she really fell hard it's the sorriest I'd ever been, regrettably. She was strong though so we proceeded and went for a nature walk at a conservancy and climbed rock and then attempted canoeing, which is where the day got spoiled. Everything panned out okay she kept it cool until we seemed to be sailing a bit further from the bay, she turned into such an uncontrollable tantrum scared for her life and she wouldn't keep it cool, besides having them life jackets on the girl was just not buying the safety story she was screaming fidgeting and being a control freak wanting to return to the bay, she was livid! I had a hard time paddling the thing back against the winds and she wasn't helping but that thing needs both parties working on different sides you see. Ultimately the winds blew and landed us at a rocky curb and we got help, I was frankly embarrassed but well. We didn't talk after that, I was just pissed. I called a guy to come pick us up, mounted the bikes into the hatchback and dropped her off by her place, it was awful but not the end. She was proactively involved with me in things I liked but I still didn't perceive her as a potential, I just plumped into an unanticipated friendship with her because overall she was good company. I visited her often and got familiar with her mom. We've got loads of pictures together but despite all that she still wasn't my cup of coffee and there wasn't even leeway to attempt an escalation of things. Coincidentally, she then got into a talking stage with a guy I knew from gym but they didn't work out because he thought I was lowkey banging her, I don't blame him because they hungout by my place once on her request and there was a chipped condom case on the floor which he noticed, another story I am not particularly proud of but I'll fuse it in too. I respect the guy for remaining cool though because if a girl invited me to her "bestie's" place and I noticed a condom lying around? That would mess with me and they both may be subject to hard and belligerent profanities I learned as a vendor at the flea-market. And I honestly didn't do that deliberately but as a guy I wouldn't buy the story anyway. She then dated my cousin for a bit, in May 2018, I only discovered they were seeing each other when he visited and they hung by my place, I didn't know they'd been talking. Their thing was short-lived though, they didn't work-out by June. The problem was she always put me in the picture, he thought I was screwing too. We talked together most of the time, and even danced whilst he was there, actually I made a dance at a distance and she joined, she was very free with me you know, so that messed with him and I understand because that would kick me in the balls too, so they split. We remained cool though my cousin and I. She wasn't doing well with boys so I then matched her with my close friend whom I thought they were compatible, they dated in August, he was crazy about her, but they eventually fell-off and had an on and off thing until lockdown of 2020. She was a very sweet petite girl but I couldn't look at her sexually or intimately, she emerged as a little sister to me honestly. People thought we messed around, actually my boy still suspects I screwed her before I matched them. We were friends all through 2018, in 2019 I started selling fruit in the city and didn't have much time for chilling and we flatlined. In the 2020 lockdown they sparked an old flame with my boy, she resurfaced in our circle during lockdown but they then fellout and she distanced herself. She's also a mom now. 

Again, 2018 was a rainy year, which brings me to the "condom on the floor" clause, a part I am not proud of. I mated with my ex. Lool. This is the part where I concur that Love Is Foolish, except that it was no longer love, at least on my part, it was just lust, but for her it was out of hope to resuscitate an old love. So little sneaky nosy bestie was talking to my ex, and thought it'd be a good idea if we made up, I wasn't in a relationship and she convinced me and matched us in May and we started messing. So the afternoon bestie brought her date, I'd had a match with my ex and forgot the case on the floor. Later in June we had a double date watching a movie by my place shortly before bestie and my cousin broke up. My ex and I kept screwing, but it wasn't the same shame and it wasn't long before she asked me if we'd ever default to when we first started and I said No, she then asked if I was seeing anyone. I wasn't, but I said yes, just to end things. She walked away. Some things can never be fixed you know. Later in that month of June, for discretion, I had a visitor who brought a friend with, I liked my visitor's friend and we exchanged numbers and held chats on Whatsapp for a bit. She texted one evening wanting to swing by me, cool. She crushed over and I experienced the filthiest lousiest worst sex of my life. The girl was from a party and I think she took a dump there and was too drunk to wipe properly. You already know how it went down in my sheets, I didn't finish the match, I just pretended I'd busted, she left the next morning and I never saw her again. Sex can be so lousy man it's scary! These were the last rains for the year 2018.

So, in essence, I have only ever dated and fully committed once. For some reason when I am asked how long my longest relationship was I say three months, Sept Oct Nov. Everything else that transpired afterwards was just mayhem! It doesn't make sense to say I dated someone from Sept 2016 to June 2018 on and off, which would stretch it to almost two years, that's too much time to claim for a relationship especially that which had too much gap time and interferences on both parties. Knowing my ex, and her generosity, I'm sure she was well over 15 bodies.

All the same, I have talked to numerous women, God knows how many, with whom I couldn't establish a relationship. The major setback which I'd anticipated even when I began hustling, was the hustle in 2019. Selling in the streets especially for a prolonged period really declined my graph in the dating market and the caliber of girls I was interested in, plus time and opportunities for dating were not on my sight. I spent most of 2019 in talking stages which where sidelined by a special talking stage which dated back to 2018, most of them didn't materialize to surface level dating where we actually go out on a date. They were just social media DMs which spanned and got tired. It's only one which was too unconventional for me but I made an attempt to have an idea of the dynamics. I was cold texting and calling as a marketing strategy for my fruit business when this travel influencer on Instagram responded wanting the fruit but later disclosed they actually wanted to see me. She was both a travel influencer and a fashion model by the looks of her feed and had quite a significant following but she partially looked like a man but posed as a woman and had a bit of breasts, so I concluded that she was transgender. I was conflicted though on whether he/she was on the genital or physical spectrum but I wanted to learn, I see why curiosity killed the cat, although I escaped death by its whiskers. So we started talking on Whatsapp in May of 2019, she sounded quite like a woman and had a feminine streak going on actually, but I eventually drew back and got occupied with the grind and also quickly grew disinterested so chats froze, but she kept on rocking the boat and reaching out until I then paid her a visit at her place in December of 2019 but I wasn't long there, she had a seemingly unannounced visitor. We carried chats on Whatsapp, she'd wanted a relationship but it just wasn't gonna do for me, so she suggested we be friends with benefits and I told her I was celibate. Intermittent chatting stretched into March of 2020 and she sent her nudes and thats when I figured she was a woman. She wanted the FWB thing so bad but I just wasn't yielding. I ghosted all the way into August, which was the last time she texted me.

2020 then marked the ever best encounter with the girlies, I came a little close to a commitment with a girl in the suburbs, it was during lockdown. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever talked to. She was gorgeous, milky eyes (as in not bloodshot), pierceless earlobes, bright potato skin, down to earth, had a nice natural scent and took great care of herself, she's remained in my conscious to this day, in all fairness I've never seen better actually. She coined the actual standard of the person I'm looking for you know. Strangely, and this is gonna get me cooked, she never shaved her underarms. She always had hair there, it wasn't bushy or too much but enough to show she let it grow to decent lengths. So, I had the impression that she was a professional homebody and wasn't actively having sex, and possibly never engaged in intercourse, I highlight this because I always think every girl is bussin it somewhere, so she was my first channel of a new perspective. I didn't associate it with a lack of hygiene though, that girl was always clean. I know shaving is debatable but let's make sure the debate is not centered on hygiene, she was a hygiene queen. I knew her from church but I'm a nobody at church you see and preferably so. I don't socialize much so we'd just say "Hi" whilst I figured ways in the back of my head to circle her at length. It was not until I bumped into her on twitter and tweeted a "Hey youu" to her before we slipped into the DMs and exchanged numbers. I was delivering bananas on the bike those days so she ordered once twice and thrice until her mom and aunt made orders too and I frequented her place much and actually started chilling with her more. I rode to her house every weekend and we'd chill under the oak shade chatting over bananas and ice-cream from noon till sunset, the latest was 7PM, and I'd always bring her banana loaves and milk, she loved them, it was giving childhood sweetheart vibes. I enjoyed her company and our conversations so much I thought and dreamt about her like crazy, I would randomly phone her to see how she was doing. So, at about four months into that visiting routine I bought a rose by the flower market one Sunday afternoon and brought it together with banana loaves and milk, and confessed my honest feelings. She later communicated through the week that she wasn't romantically attracted to me, I took it on the chin, I'd circled her wrong, I distanced myself and we stopped talking, as much as I yearned for conversations with her and her beautiful sight I still didn't want the "friend" designation so I walked away. No matter how much you want to tap into that friends before lovers belief, four months is delayed time, in fact anything after two weeks is bound to be a deep friend zone. So, take it from me, don't wait too long, it's a trap. I cherished her very much mostly because more than her discernment she was such a secure space, I was going through social media scandals when I was seeing her and she approached me with grace and an enlightening perspective. Her and Buhle were the two people that didn't ride the clout wave of harvesting likes and emerging as disciplinarians on timeline. I have since admired that about her, humility and just being a woman you know. All successful men have women quietly doing most of the work without trying to get credit and/or clout for it, some girls you will block them and they will make it news. I soft blocked her because she kept appearing on timeline for what she liked retweeted or tweeted and I just wanted her totally out of sight because I wanted her so bad I could be tempted to fall back into her notifications and cringe about it. She reminds me of Davido's Chioma, a quiet but effective spirit during all storms of noise surrounding Davido's fame. This girl had First Lady energy and prefer to keep her in that brain frame for life without knowing anything else about her. Girls are so disappointing man, you'll hold her with respect and hear she is now a stripper with dragon tattoos on her entire back. So I'd rather not know.

Going on, this was the cheapest way in a prolonged period I've been seeing a girl, yet so filled with weight and significance despite our differences and fallouts. I never had to pay for her hair nails and make-up, or buy sewing or baking equipment which all of a sudden needed funding because a boy liked her, all I had to do was find Alloe Vera leafs from a neighbor's garden for her natural hair and scalp as requested, plus a 2L bottle of tap water for her to drink whenever they had water shedding and she didn't like borehole water. That was the most lenient and genuine talking stage. Her problems weren't directly financially demanding but required voluntary solution you see, like when her dog went missing. I simply went to the police station and reported and described the missing dog, I asked her to create a missing dog picture poster, which she sent to me and I went and printed countless copies and stuck them on trees around her neighborhood. By estimation, I spent about $30 on minor amenities like ice-cream, banana loaves & milk plus airtime in that talking stage in a space of four months, plus she supported my business by buying fruit. Probably the most substantial encounter I've had with girls. I have since never showed that much effort in a girl, I haven't found someone worthy enough for me to look forward to seeing them every weekend honestly. When I stepped on her eggshells once, I went out of my way to prepare an apology package, I gathered wood shavings into a box and threw in chocolates, snacks, milk and banana loaves in there, and delivered it to her place. Shame it was the best I could do with the little I had at the time but I don't think I'll ever go to those extents for a girl, they aren't worth it man they aren't. Just say askies and move, but I'm only saying this from a place of growth. Some things you have to experience them to realize why they don't matter.

After this girl I just stayed on my grind, I locked right in! Everyone I met in 2021 22 23 and 4 were talking stages that simply ran into walls. The girls I've met just didn't make me tick you know, most had financial emergencies and some were groove heads, I just want a decent babe who drinks her 100% fruit juice reads her Bible and keeps herself occupied with either crocheting, tailoring, painting, gardening, reading, loves to bake/cook, works/studies and has less than two friends. All these other things are just deal breakers man, most girls aren't to die for. We used to be so crazy about a girl but nowadays you just hear news she was fish drunk at a pub or she's sexualizing herself on the timeline. Girls aren't worth obsession today, healthy obsession that is, the one that makes you want to show/tell the boys about you know? The last time I was crazy about a girl and my boys too, was in 2020, I remember first disclosing to my boy after two months that I was seeing this girl, we'd parked outside OK about to get into the shop to buy her milk, I told him who she was and he jumped out of the car crazing like his FIFA team had won a league, he knew her and her character. That was in 2020. Now it's just  "I'm seeing so and so • Oh? Stay woke and be safe my G" and then two weeks later it's "she for the streets". The good girls aren't in their best behavior either, there's little to be proud of. I think the female stockprice plummeted drastically on the stock exchange market.

My recent talking stage of this year, with a beautiful girl whom I was linked to by my "longest talking stage" friend, went haywire. I liked the girl really, she has a good head above her shoulders, I phoned her everyday we talked for hours and even had a home date. She then asked that I buy her something, you see I've been single for so long I now have a limited tolerance for certain things I wouldn't originally play for, like spending even decent amounts of money to alleviate situations girls get caught up in or sponsor their immediate needs, I don't play like that, but maybe that's my problem. In fact the last time a girl billed me on the very first date in September of 2022 I asked her if she didn't have parents at home, and we stopped talking, I fumbled because she was cute but it's okay she was going to be a financial strain anyway. So I can tolerate billing now, selective billing that is, and that's exclusive of food transport and drinks which are absolutely my responsibility if I want to see you, but these other things? Miss me. I have also embraced and compromised on the alcohol factor, a lot of girls drink today, the good ones too, cocktails and ciders; things that caused issues between my ex and I but you don't want to stencil and project your ex on all women, so I am open to accept a decent drinker, I'm not sure yet to what extent and how long that vault is open for because I don't indulge myself but should we date, there will be points of limitations which you will have to consider, but again I don't want to be controlling. Why can't girls just be 100% juice drinkers honestly? 

Anyway, so this girl asks that I buy her something, mind you I have financially backed and favored her a couple times on some things at this point, nothing even serious, just really decent amounts for silly things, but this time I refused with a straight "No" just to see what happens, guess what this girl says? "If you won't I'll find someone who will" 😂😂😂 my guy? I quickly straightened her because what is that? I told her she must, and that we won't work out, we were supposed to go on a second date that weekend and I withdrew plans and told her to focus on herself. She claimed she was joking and that I can't take jokes, which is manipulative and gaslighting, so I have totally written her off despite all investments in hourly calls, takeaways, private transportation, airtime purchases and financial favors. By estimation, I spent upto $90 in the course of our a 1 month talking stage, which would've easily risen well over $140+ had I not refused to cater for certain things. You gotta pardon me for being calculative but dating has become economic, I am self employed and every cent counts, I couldn't care less if that comes off the wrong way we are just average people in hard Zimbabwe, $90 is literally a monthly wage for some. Someone on Twitter said "Ask your broke boyfriend for R100 and wait for a budget speech" real 😂. Personally, provided I can afford, I wouldn't mind blowing $90 on a culinary and leisure experience with a friend, but commiting such an amount just to get to know someone is just squander I'm afraid. But, that's the reality of dating today, with little positive outcomes sadly. I have come to accept that you need at least $100 to establish a relationship these days, if you don't have the $100 rite of passage reserved for dating, after other savings, simply don't indulge and look aside whenever there's a girl in front of you. To boast a muscular presence you've got to render some amenities and bring convenience, the little $13 airtime the little gift bag you pick to cajole her the uber/inndrive errands, little convenience to pamper her until she buys in and starts catching a R10 commuter bus instead of the $6 inndrive request. Talk is cheap, talking your way into a relationship is rare after 25. And, the higher the age the more your dating budget.

Most girls once you start talking to them you owe them beyond spending on a date, and they're coin slots. She tells you she's menstruating and asks "so what are you getting for my period pack?", if her birthday is coming up then you must prove your interests by inserting a coin, restaurant dating is always an opportunity for them to update an Instagram feed, not for the relationship to find footing, it's all about dating experience. She prefers a $8 uber or inndrive to come to town to see you, not the R10 taxi she rides every other day to school/work. You start talking to her and all of a sudden she wants to renew a $60 gym membership, all of a sudden her banking app is malfunctioning and she needs to order her food now. I'm not sure what the outcome of putting yourself to such a high launching or entry-level standard is because eitherway it's not yielding positive or progressive results, we're all still struggling in the dating arena, it's like they enjoy dating experience spoils at the cost of actually establishing a substantial footing, and yet still don't achieve any sustainable relationship. Personally, billing is a deal breaker! It is opportunistic and has often exhibited nothing but a poor character in a person, I say this from experience and mostly observations. Women have really stunning dating experiences from countless men, from drag races to restaurant experiences to amazing BnBs and Hotels, and still don't settle, for the purposes of living life and seeing things whilst they have variables and don't realize by the time you have aged out of that value that you sell at such a high standard, the boys will be directing the same amenities to the younger girls. If women practiced and valued preservation more than indulgences, dating would be reaping beautiful marriages instead of single motherhood rates today. I personally think marriage or a committed relationship increases your value far much more than interdating ever will. You literally age as you exchange-date until bidders are few.

The age I am turning this year is a matter of urgency, I have acknowledged that human indulgences are indeed insatiable, you can either maintain the thrill of interchanging girls until you age and there's nothing to show of it, or you can sustain the dignity of leading a family life and pursuing life's greater things. All of this indulgence is unnecessary, in my opinion. I would maintain that better the man who settled with his woman early in life than he who is on his 57th body and doesn't have the discipline to gear down to one good woman. I personally don't desire being with a baddie who is fun as a first option, I would opt for that at a point of damage as control when I have divorced or going through a meltdown. So, in essence, I am not looking for vibes off the cliff, it wouldn't serve any purpose of fulfillment. Any woman who comes off as a recreational package i.e. drinks alcohol, has senseless tattoos and countless piercings, is a groove head and a groupie who is called to beef up ratios, anyone can have her but me. Where are the girls that think drinking is a vice? Which when they do they'd have to sneak up on even themselves. We have so much of women who carelessly think drinking is absolutely fine and proudly lift a bottle in front of family members and friends through the screen. I as a man don't think alcohol is good for my health, nor do I think the parading and flossing of it is good for the sole image I uphold even with its miniscule dignity. So a woman who conspicuously lives or has layered history of that life couldn't plug on my leggo. 

Sometimes I wish life had directed me straight into the church and my heart broke in the church. With my lingual eloquence and strong writing compulsions I would be in the church board today and a pulpit king and the best youth director, I'd be at conference level actually. But the devil had a greater stronghold on this part. So, I am looking for someone on whose oesophagus alcohol has never flowed, whose teeth have never bitten on a Savannah/Hunters bottle cap, be a lady! There are certain things ladies should never do, one of which is touch a bottle opener, I want my lady to act like a bottle opener is a heavy and greasy dumbbell and will defile her hands. My longest talking stage girl wouldn't enter a club environment, I'd wanted us to grab something to eat at the restaurant by Horizon, she refused to set foot there, so we went to Haefs. Girls no longer have that pride. They're too pretty to double text but not too pretty to bite the cap off a Savannah. 

I am also looking for a dating set-up that doesn't require erratic billing, I want to be the one to say "babe, I bought you a Tupperware bottle", but identifying someone's needs takes time and passion, girls fail to give guys those opportunities of intercepting needs. I was in a supermarket at Zonkizizwe buying myself stuff when I suddenly thought of milky eyed girl, I phoned her and told her where I was and asked if she wanted a Truffle and brought it for her with time I started buying her banana bread and milk. She liked Orientals' pies though and if she'd initially billed me on that it was going to be a deal breaker. Instead, she gave me money and asked that I bring her pie whenever I was in town. On my part I continued to bring her banana bread and milk on weekends because it was my idea brought out of loving-kindness. Look, if your mom and dad and yourself cannot afford your new hairstyle and nails, show a sign of contentment, don't bill other parents' children. If I were talking to two girls and one of them needed money for a hairstyle and the other needed an Aloe Vera leaf, best believe I will source an Aloe Vera from someone's garden and deliver to the latter, I will also go to the extents to find a vase or two and find Aloe Vera plants so she doesn't run out in the long run, you see what I mean? Men will turn a bushy backyard into beds of an Aloe Vera garden, just out of love, and if they're entrepreneurial enough they'll even start mass farming and selling that. Girls today aren't worth that, they don't transpire energy that contrives guys to exhibit and exercise acts of love. Instead they quickly come off as financial challenges and we burn out. Financial statuses fluctuate you see, sometimes you're up sometimes you're down, so anything that feeds off of your financial power such that if supply is cut it dies, comes off as unsustainable. Things like "If you can't, I'll source an alternative supply chain" please get out of my life right now! 

I am looking for a decent down to earth babe with some pride about her skin and won't pierce or tatt it. I adore girls who don't have piercings, it's giving pride it's giving cultured it's giving grounded. It keeps me wondering why out of such a perennial social influence for especially the girl child to pierce you chose not to, society today is highly influential so I admire people who aren't impressionable until they find qualifying root reasons to do certain things, that's being grounded. Someone who has eleven piercings and just sees a tribal sign and thinks hey that would be cool on my right boob, is too reckless for me, and a wild-card. By the right influence they can wake up one day and decide they want pink hair and now identify as a man, next please. 

The goal is to have a flashlit photo with a burnt effect of you and your babe on the side holding a 1 year old stranger on a questionable sofa, with a room divider washing machine and fridge in the backdrop, tekkies on the floor and a pramer. True beginnings! This thing of thinking you have to wait until you have stacks of money in the fridge to settle down is just a deterrent concept. You will wait until you're 36 with nothing purposeful to live for. People travel and achieve things and still feel empty without family. Life is structured in such a way that for fulfillment we live to see our offspring become noble people in society. Without that you literally look forward to a work promotion which doesn't feel like an achievement when you achieve it, but hearing that your child came first in a 100 metre race and all developments that come with a new human being is what really drives life and the drug that keeps us hooked and the whole thing worthwhile. I have seen people work and work and feel like they have worked for nothing, whereas if they'd been working and feeding a growing infant and spouse at home it'd be worth the struggle. It's better to blow your money knowing there's food and warmth and comfort and convenience at home than to not know where that money went. It's like cattle farming, when you invest in a $300 heifer you know in four years time it'd have grown and will sell for $700, it's worth the investment. Family life is just the same, you are feeding and infant who will grow into a somebody you're proud of in society, and may return that upon their success. Parents literally live for children, they literally have no other purpose beyond making life better for their offspring and grand children such that the greater society benefits and those that associate with them find grace. The idea of a legacy is centered on family, that's what life and economics are about, a family tree of stakeholders. Hence why choosing a partner is an important skill which will either bring you to doom or a dance.

So help us God.